About a year ago, I wrote a post about a friend (a really good friend, a she-was-My-Person-kind of friend), who stopped speaking to me. I don't know why.
It's been a few years now. I've given up thinking that I should keep trying to contact her. That I should feel guilty about whatever may have happened. That it was about me.
I'm still Facebook friends with her, but she isn't much of a Facebook user. However, I am. I always wonder if she's out there, keeping up with my life via Facebook, even though for whatever reason she feels that she can't communicate with me right now. Sometimes I find that comforting.
Other times, it bugs the hell out of me.
I noticed recently that she changed the settings on her Facebook wall. I can't see posts there any more and I can't post to her wall. (Not that I ever have.) For someone who doesn't use Facebook much, it seems like an overt message... "I'm shutting the door in your face."
Right?
I'm not sure why she didn't just unfriend me.
So now my question. Do I keep things as they are... knowing that it's possible she sees my Facebook posts and pictures of my kids, because deep down, I sort of want to believe that she still cares about those things? Or because at least it's a sign that I haven't cut her off, even if she's cut me off?
Or do I just unfriend her and put this to rest?
Why does this still bother me after so much time?
For me, if it was really that close of a friend, I would have just called and asked her. LONG Ago. Sounds like it might be too late now. I would assume if she is shutting you out, she is probably not looking at your facebook page or following you. Sorry. i think I would either unfriend and really let it go, or confront her and find out what it is. Sounds like you don't really want to let her go...
ReplyDeleteI tried contacting her. No returned called, no answered emails, letters...
ReplyDeleteBut I think you're right. I'm thinking about this far more than she is.
Unfriend and move on! A true friend would not treat you badly.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the blog comments -- unfriend her. Giving anyone the silent treatment is juvenile, all the more so when asked directly about it and not responding. She's expressed her opinion even more so with her latest FB privacy changes.
ReplyDeleteSometimes friendships die -- when you realize it, treat it like a real thing, because you will experience the emotions of grief like other transitions in life. So take care of your end -- write a letter of goodbye to her to move toward closure. You don't have to actually send it (what's the point), but it will help, trust me.
Personally, I'd leave it status-quo. If she isn't a FB user, she isn't going to pop up in your feed any time soon, but maybe she will eventually comment on one of your posts and pave the way for a new kind of friendship.
ReplyDeleteOh Sue - I really understand how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI have a childhood friend who dropped me in our early twenties. I never did find out why. Over time I came up with of a couple of possibilities...but at the end of the day, they would just be easy excuses. In my mind, there isn't anything I could have done to make an end of friendship necessary. There must have been something bigger - a longer lasting problem she had with me that I was too oblivious or self absorbed to realize.
Almost 20 years later, I don't care to know why anymore. It's sad that I have all of these wonderful memories about someone who decided that she disliked me enough to want me out of her life...but I have just as many wonderful memories about other people. People who would talk to me about a problem - and value our friendship enough to want to salvage it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that looking back at the way things were handled, I don't think my old friend was very nice (at least not to me) and she's not the kind of person that I'd want in my life anyway. And I think you may want to consider adopting the same attitude.
So while my first reaction was that you should just let her be your FB friend and see what you're up to if she wants, I'm now leaning toward what the other commenters are saying. Just end it. You don't need to see her name in your list of "friends." She's made it clear that she's not an IRL friend, so she shouldn't be a virtual one either.
Do I think we should harden our hearts against these old friends? Never allow them back in if they ask? No. I believe in second chances - so I could never completely close a door. There might be room for apologies, explanations...new starts. But that isn't for us to initiate or worry about anymore. It's not worth the time or energy. Or regret.
Love to you!
I think you need to figure out why you want to make it work - and then you need to communicate that to her. If your reason for wanting to make it work doesn't seem substantial enough to merit the effort, then move on. It seems so awfully strange - and I am sorry you've been treated poorly for a reason you don't understand. The one nagging thing in the back of my head is that maybe your friend is in trouble, or she's done something that she think you won't approve or, and in those cases, having you available to her in the future could be really healing.
ReplyDeleteShe may not have blocked her wall from just you. She may have blocked it from a lot of people.
ReplyDeleteSince it's bothering you, you might want to unfriend her just so you can feel in control of the situation again. That simple action may help you move on from the friendship.