the one where an amish guy disappeared

I have this Amish-made table and benches on my patio that I love. It makes me love the whole Amish culture, I love it so much. Except it's falling apart. One day, I will sit on it, it will collapse and I'll break my tailbone. And that will make me mad at the Amish. Even if it's not their fault.

So I decided to buy a new set, just like the one we have. I looked up the name of the "store" where I bought it on the internet. (And by "store" I mean vacant lot with an Amish guy in a shed.) Lo and behold, they actually have a website. (I know, right? How?)

There are pictures of handmade sheds, gazebos and Adirondack chairs, but nothing like the table and benches I want.

So I did what every internet-savvy shopper does and clicked on the Contact Us link and sent an email asking "Whoa! What happened to the tables?"

But I never got a response.

So let's get this straight: Amish people can have websites, but they don't check email.

So on Sunday, even though they weren't open (again, Amish tradition, they don't do websites, check email OR work on Sundays), I thought I'd just drive by and SEE if there were tables and benches sitting out.

The store was in an empty lot out in the way out suburbs. (Ok, they USED to be way out suburbs, but now there's a drive-thru Starbucks, so I'm guessing we just call that "suburbs" now.)

But as I drove up, I saw a brand-spanking new shopping center on that spot.

I drove around the back. Nope.

Back and forth across all the intersections? No Amish guy. He vanished. Right along with a bunch of gazebos and Adirondack chairs.

I went through the Starbucks drive-thru to ponder my situation. I asked the gal in the window.

"Yeah. I guess he moved, but I don't know where."

Seriously? How did she not notice a guy moving sheds and gazebos on the back of a horse and buggy?

I pulled over and checked the website on my phone. No address listed anywhere on the website. Just directions to an empty lot that's not empty any more. So the Amish may be making websites now, but clearly they haven't learned to integrate a Google Maps widget.

I googled the store name and found a directory with an address. Which as it turns out was right in the shopping center where I was sitting.

Hmmm...

By this time, most people would have given up, especially since the store wasn't even OPEN, but not me.

I called the phone number on the website. (Yes, a phone number! Is this guy REALLY Amish?)

(Also? Seriously WHAT did we do before mobile internet? Or even before the internet? I could be driving around with a giant Yellow Pages and a map on my lap! Crazy! (You all do know what Yellow Pages are, right?))

The phone rang and eventually I got a nice recording telling me to "Come on out and see us!" No directions, address, or any other clue as to WHERE exactly I would go to do that.

So I started driving aimlessly through the suburban town where the store used to be. Seriously, how far could he have gotten? I told the kids to be on the lookout for a bunch of sheds.

After about 5 minutes, Cheer shouted out "SHEDS!" And what do you know? There was the "store."

With a giant sign that says "WE'VE MOVED" and the new address.

Now call me crazy, but wouldn't you put that sign up at the OLD location? Because anyone who made it to the new location already KNOWS you moved, right?

I'm sensing an Amish marketing and PR niche that is desperate to be filled.

And after all that, there weren't any picnic tables or benches sitting out.