It's that time of year again... when I have to start figuring out what to do with Shout next year. At least I know what school she's going to... I just have to figure out which grade.
She's made so much progress this year - it's actually astonishing. I was pretty committed to having a full neuropsych exam done on her. For anyone who's lucky enough not to know what that is, it's the testing they do to determine learning disabilities and differences. The results can be just amazing - a detailed picture of how your kid learns with strengths and weaknesses identified...
The catch is, it costs $4000.
So yeah, we're holding off on that - unless I find a way to get insurance to cover it.
Next week, we're having the 1st grade teacher test her as if she were going into 1st grade and see what happens with that.
She's also having some behavior problems. Ok, that may be the understatement of the year. Her behavior at home has been quite challenging for awhile now. It's only getting worse. She used to have mostly good behavior, punctuated by episodes of really bad behavior. Now it's the opposite. She's mostly a wreck all day long and every now and then, I see the charming little person she used to be.
I'll be honest, internet. It makes me dread waking up in the morning.
I feel like something is going on, but I can't figure out what. I am a true believer in the phrase "Kids do well when they CAN."* So what's going on with her that she can't keep it together?
I have realized she desperately needs STRUCTURE. Days when there is no school are especially bad. She is also not good at making TRANSITIONS. (They make her just go insane.) When she gets frustrated or angry, there's no levels of frustration, she's goes instantly from 0-60. (Where 60 = hitting, kicking, screaming, spitting, rolling around on the floor. It's getting her in lots of trouble, particularly in school.) And she obsesses about things. Tiny toys that we haven't seen in MONTHS or little pieces of things that she can't find. She frets and complains and perseverates about them. (That drives me to drink, I tell you.)
If she was 2, it would be totally age appropriate behavior. At 5, not so much. So is she just delayed in maturing, like she was delayed in most other areas? Does she have a psychological condition? Is this just her personality (God help me)? Is she a brat? (Trust me, I blame myself for this constantly.) Is it because she's the youngest of 4 and this is how she gets attention? Does she have some sort of sensory problem (I don't think so)? Even though she sleeps through the night about 50% of the time now, is she really SLEEPING when she's sleeping? Should I have a sleep study done?
I just don't know, internet.
But I worry that they will tell me that academically, she's ready for first grade (who would EVER have thought that?), but socially, not so much. If I put her in kindergarten again (which right now, is what I'm leaning toward), will her behavior be even worse if she's ahead of the class?
Almost every single expert that I've spoken to (educators, doctors, psychologists) have said to hold her back anyway. It will do her no harm, whereas sending her ahead may have implications down the road that I don't even know about. I agree. But for some reason, I have a big hang up about it.
It's not that I'm embarrassed about her needing an extra year. It doesn't really change anything financially for us. I think my hang up is that I wanted my kids to be close together in school. I just really like that idea. She and Cheer could be two years apart, instead of three. They might have common friends. They might go to college together.
It's stupid, right?
I think back to my own family. I have a brother who was two years behind me in school and I don't think we have ANY common friends. And yet, my brother who was SEVEN years ahead of me in school and I have a LOT of common friends.
Feel free to leave a comment to tell me to get over this stupid hang up. And I'll try to keep the School Stress posts to a minimum.
* This quote is from the book The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene, which is, I have to say, the book that has affected my parenting the most. If you HAVE an explosive child, I HIGHLY recommend it. Even if you don't, it's still a very good read. I've pulled out all my old parenting books to re-read them for ideas. It's actually been a really good experience brushing up on old skills. Here are some of my favorites. Any others you think I should read?
I even signed up for a parenting class. After 13 freaking years, I'm finally taking a class on how to do this. I'm confounded. (It's specifically for challenging children.)
Oh - you should definitely get over the 2 v. 3 year hang up.
ReplyDeleteMy daughters are 12 and 14, and are 2 years apart in school. Common friends? Ha! If one of my 14 yo's friends comments on how much she ADORES my 12 yo, my 14yo's head threatens to pop right off. Same vice-versa. If my 14 yo shows an interest in my 12yo's friends when they're visiting, my 12 yo gets so angry!
Based on this, and my own experience with my sister, I think the distance in school will help their relationship, not hurt it.
And also - the chances of them going to college together are probably nil. Sorry.
I hope you're able to find some answers for Shout. Not that you know me from Adam, but I agree with the "keep her in Kindergarten" camp. It may work out best to give her another year to focus on these other issues, and not add academics into the mix of things to struggle/push with. And that could continue to be the case, if the struggles continue into the more academically strenuous years.
Good luck to you!
I think I like that last parenting book best of all.
ReplyDeleteHeh.
I struggle with the spacing-in-school thing, too: I'm bummed that even though my kids are three years apart in age (ok, 3.5), they are 4 years apart in school and will only be at the same school for two years. This is one of those years, and it seems so cosy and convenient: wouldn't it have been so GREAT if we could have had this for another year? And yet, they're both in the best grade for them, I'm convinced of that. Sometimes, when I'm trying to readjust my expectations re my kids, it helps me if I focus on the small picture, rather than fret about the big picture.
I don't think I'd worry much about the number of grades between the two and probably keep her in K another year.
ReplyDeleteShout sounds A LOT like my oldest daughter, who has always been a challenge. She never had *much* trouble at school, but her 'explosiveness' affects our lives at home quite a bit. I think I'm going to get that book from the library. It's so hard when you just 'feel' that something is not right, but you can't say exactly what. I'm going to start by reading that book.
Good luck to you and to Shout.
I LOVE (love, love, LOVE!) the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk."
ReplyDeleteLove it.
Have you read transforming the difficult child? I loved that one.
ReplyDeleteAlso, we should talk. Totally.
On the testing...I so get that. Here it is two years after diagnosis, knowing that more seemed to be going on with Bird than ADHD and we're now getting the testing done. Thank you, Stanford Research Study on Mosaics. One day down, one to go (hey, I'm getting an IQ test, too!).
ReplyDeleteHave you checked to see if there are any studies that she might qualify for and get the testing that way?
I've got all kinds of research for a paper I'm doing for school that I'll share with you if you like. It's about the cognitive profiles of girls like ours. :) Fascinating stuff.
I loved the last parenting book you are reading !
ReplyDeleteI just think it's good that you're taking a step back and trying to figure out what is going on. That's half the battle.
I will also be deciding whether Beezus repeats kindergarten or whether I will argue for her to go "early" to first grade (she misses the cut-off by 2 weeks). At least we've decided which school she's going to: the free one. You can imagine how much guilt I feel about that when I go to the church that has the "not-free" school attached to it.
So, if you think your issue about having them far apart in school is silly, listen to this one. I hit puberty early, wearing my first bra at age 10, but when I was in 5th grade. If Beezus repeats kindergarten and develops at the same chronological age as I did, she'll be wearing a bra in 4th grade and starting her . between 4th and 5th grade. Seriously, it's a consideration for me because I HATED being the "early developer" in the class.
Since I neatly turned this comment around to be about me, rather than about your post, I'll just say this: It's great that you're thinking about these things and that you're re-reading parenting books and taking classes. How fortunate your children are that you take this role so seriously.
I'm not sure what to say...my own delayed child experience is different. Just different issues... But I do know that my brother was held back in second grade (or it may have been first) because he was the youngest in the class and obviously just not ready to move on. My parents always wished they had done that earlier. He wouldn't have really cared if he started Kindergarten a year late or stayed there for two years - but seeing his friends move on without him when he was just that little bit older really did have a huge negative impact on his self esteem. Just something to consider.
ReplyDeleteWhy do you think there is no "sensory" element at play? Just wondering. Because my good friend's son is very similar to what you've described and she has him in a sensory motor program that has done wonders. That said, I'm working with just a few sentences about your daughter - so I realized that they are probably very different.
At any rate - I sympathize. It's hard to know that you're doing the right thing.
Big hug for you!
Sue - my boy has something called "Sensory Integration Dysfunction". He is intelligent, and copes fairly well at school, BUT, he *IS* less mature than other kids his age... and because of that I held him back in Pre-K (Meaning, he was already 6 years old when he started Kindergarten this year). I AGONIZED over the decision to hold him back (fearing boredom since he was so smart), but he has done GREAT. Really great. I'm so glad I did it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your decision. I truly know how difficult it can be. Parenting is SO DANG HARD!
I read your blog and am always touched by your honesty and love for your children. I think you are analyzing this the right way, which is - is this the right answer for my child? As mom, is this the right answer for my family?
ReplyDeleteThe big question is - will the K teacher be able to more aptly work with and help her or will the 1st grade teacher? I wish you the best of luck and no matter which decision you make, you will have second thoughts. And, all of us here in "commentland" will be cheering you on!!