What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
I let go of a friendship this year. Actually, I think I was dumped long before, but it took me awhile to realize it.
I once had a good friend. A very, very good friend. Like a sister. But I moved away and it was hard to stay close. Eventually, we settled into a comfortable long-distance, old-friends kind of relationship. We didn't talk every day. Or even every month. But she was the first person I'd call when something really big was happening. We saw each other when we could. Our lives had diverged, but I always thought we would forever be those friends who could pick up the phone and continue the conversation we'd started 3 months before without missing a beat.
I started to realize something had changed about two years ago. Christmas cards and gifts didn't arrive. Birthdays passed without a note or a call.
I worried that I had done something wrong.
Had I not responded to an important email? Or missed a major life event?
I searched my memory and my Sent Mail folder. I couldn't find anything.
Maybe I forgot to send a birthday gift? A Christmas card? I tried to be good about those things, but maybe I missed one. Surely it must be something I DID. I beat myself up about it. I continued to send packages and letters, thinking that eventually we'd pick up where we left off. We'd clear the air and settle back into our comfortable friendship.
But it never happened. They were only met with silence.
I was mad at myself for being distracted. For being a bad friend. For doing something so bad that one of my oldest and dearest friends could not forgive me, even though I had absolutely no idea what it was.
I was sick every time I thought about it.
But this year? I let it go.
I miss my friend dearly. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I pictured us being old ladies together and going to antique shows or trying on hats. I am deeply sad that my daughters will never get to know this woman. Because she is amazing.
But I have to stop beating myself up about this. The worst thing I could be guilty of is benign neglect. And friends, especially the kind of friends we were, understand that kind of thing. If that is my sin, I deserve to be forgiven.
My friend, if you ever happen to read this, I'm sorry and I dearly miss you.
(Gah, Reverb10, you are killing me. This post is Day 5 of Reverb10, 31 days of reflecting on the year that's past and sending out reverberations for the year ahead.)
This post is really hitting home for me. I have a friend like this that I feel like I need to drop. The friend I thought I would be friends with FOREVER. I have been there for her in really hard times and good times and in the past year, when two REALLY big things were happening to me (baby and campaign) she wasn't there AT ALL. Not even a facebook "like" or comment or anything. And I just feel like that is something I will never get past. Because it really hurts.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your situation. Letting go of a friend is hard, but when it's one of your best friends it really tears you up inside. I had a best friend from high school which I had to let go, but we reconnected several years ago. I was so happy to have her in my life again. The problem is that she has a serious issue with depression and won't seek help. I've really tried to be there for her and sometimes I feel like I can't do it anymore. There's a history of psychological problems in her family, but she refuses to be labelled or seek any kind of treatment. I've had to step back a little just for my own sake. If she's not willing to get the help she needs, then what can I do hundreds of miles away? I don't think I can actually let her go again. Like I said - it tears you up inside.
ReplyDeleteI hope your friend wakes up one day and comes to the realization that she's missing a great friend in you. But if not, you have to go on with your own life. It's really her loss.