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I'm so behind writing here. I have lots of posts stacked up in my brain and not enough time to bang them out on the keyboard.

And today, I'm writing something I never expected to write. And I don't even know where to begin. With all the words swirling around in my head, I have no words for this one.

I've written before about my fear of thunderstorms after my kids were out in one.

On Sunday, I popped on Twitter for a few minutes in the midst of cleaning up the house. People just a few miles away were tweeting about a fast-moving, scary storm that was hitting our area.

I ran outside to take in the beach towels, as we leave them hanging out there between our daily trips to the pool. The sky was clear and blue.

Bounce was just heading down the driveway on her bike. I told her that I thought a storm was coming and she should stick close by... and come home AS SOON she saw a dark cloud.

Then I set about folding the towels and picking up yard toys.

In the span of about 5 minutes, the wind had picked up and the sky had turned an ominous color. It was that fast.

I stood in the middle of the street and looked in both directions for Bounce. I couldn't see her coming. Other people were coming out of their houses to roll up car windows and put down patio umbrellas.

In another 2 or 3 minutes, the sky was ugly and scary. I tried to tell myself that I need to get over my irrational panic of thunderstorms. Bounce was fine. She might get wet but she would be ok.

But I couldn't convince myself. I ran into the house and grabbed my car keys. I told the other kids to stay put and locked the door. (Laundry Dad was at Home Depot.)

I jumped in the van with my heart POUNDING. The wind was suddenly very strong and sticks and leaves were blowing in every direction. The sky was heavy and dark.

I found Bounce about 2 blocks away, riding her bike across the soccer field. She looked scared. It had all happened in just minutes. I drove slowly behind her as she pedaled her new bike as fast as she could toward home. I was frantic - praying that all the branches on the giant old trees on our street stayed put.

An inflatable wading pool from a neighbor's yard caught the wind and blew up into the air, over Bounce's head as she road - landing across the street.

The rain came down in jagged sheets as she pulled into our driveway and raced for the garage.

We ran inside the house.

The other kids were abuzz. The power had gone off almost as soon as I had left, but had flashed on and off again a few times.

I checked the weather report and saw a tornado warning, so I took everyone into the basement and shut and locked all the doors. We've only ever had to do that once before. In the back of my mind, I wondered if I was over-reacting to Twitter-hysteria and my irrational fears.

The storm was over in about 15 minutes.

The wind died down, the rain slowed, the clouds parted and eventually, the sky returned to the bright blue color it had been an hour before.

We went outside to assess the damage. Aside from a lot of sticks blown from the trees, we had none. We still had power. Everything was ok.

Except, I didn't know it then, but it wasn't.

One of my friends was in her car at the time the storm hit. Just a few miles from her house. Her mother-in-law was beside her. I don't know where they were going, but I imagine they were as surprised at the suddenness and ferocity of the storm as we all were.

And then, my worst irrational fear happened to her.

A tree fell and hit her car and killed her instantly.

Her mother-in-law was seriously injured.

And this is where I run out of words.

How do I describe this? The impact on her two little girls, who aren't old enough to understand this. Who may not even be old enough to remember her one day, when they are grown. The giant hole in her family and community.

She was one of those people. The kind who never turned down a task that needed to be done. Who welcomed everyone. Who literally always had a smile on her face.

We had gone to Kindermusik classes together. Our daughters had gone to the same daycare. They went to school together. In the fall, we were going to be working together on the preschool board.

I was drawn to her. She was happy and no-nonsense. And she had two adorable daughters.

Why do things like this happen? I will never understand. I don't want to understand.

What are we to learn from this? What lesson could we possibly take away?

I don't know. I try to process it, but it's too hard. I have to slam the lid shut on this one because thinking about it makes me unable to function.

Love your kids. Don't fight with your husband. Always say goodbye when you leave the house. You never know.

It all sounds too trite to tie up the life of a complex and wonderful person.

I can only hope that months from now, when some time has passed and I can open up the lid on this and explore it, I come out a better person. A better mother. A better wife. I will kiss my kids and think of the girls who can no longer feel their mother's kiss... I will hold back harsh words and laugh when I feel like yelling. I'll get up from the computer, or put down the dishtowel and chase my kids around the yard.