lights will guide you home and ignite your bones

Do you ever have those days where you are your own worst enemy? Where you just want to GIVE UP? Because you just CANNOT DO what you want to do? (And by give up, I actually mean lowercase give up, not uppercase GIVE UP. Catch what I'm saying?)

For example, supposed you decided to run a 5K and you are chugging along doing your little training runs, and one day, you are out there running and you JUST. CAN'T. DO. IT.

Your legs feel like they weigh 800 lbs each. You are sucking wind like an 80 year-old chain smoker. All the fluid in your body has moved to your bladder and your tongue is parched like the desert sand.

And you think, "What are you trying to prove? YOU CAN'T DO THIS. It's too HARD. You SUCK at it."

And you keep chugging along with your 800 lb. legs and your bursting bladder and your dried up tongue hanging out of your mouth, but you can't help but listen to that little voice inside. The one telling you to go back to folding laundry and leave the serious exercise to serious athletes.

Or suppose you decide to go back to school and learn an entirely new career. And you are sitting on your little study perch at midnight. And then 1am. And then 2am. And that voice asks you, "What ARE you DOING? You CAN'T do this. This is TOO HARD. It's TOO EXPENSIVE. It will take FOREVER. Your kids NEED YOU."

And you keep plowing through your work, but you can't help but wonder if that little voice isn't on to something. Maybe this IS a crazy idea. Maybe there is something else out there for me that won't take so much away.

I'm not wallowing in self-doubt... I'm a fretter not a dweller. I don't usually have big doubts about decisions once I make them. (I spend far too much time worrying about them in advance.) But sometimes days like these come along because it's time for some adjustments. My goals can never be absolute. They affect far too many people.

Maybe it's time to re-evaluate my path. For example, I'm not only trying to pick up running, I'm also trying to lose weight, so I am eating very tiny amounts of calories. Maybe it's unrealistic to try to accomplish those two goals at the same time. Or maybe I need to invest in some protein bars. And some Depends. And gum.

I also tend to be a sprinter not a marathoner. (THIS is an analogy... not ACTUALLY... if you saw me run you would know that I am neither sprinter NOR marathoner, but more like the tortoise.) But I make a goal and I want it accomplished... NOW. This pound a week crap sucks. And I'm tired of building up my endurance. I just want to be able to run. But I can't. And I just want to be done with school already, but I have YEARS and YEARS ahead of me. I'm impatient. I need results. And when I don't get them, I start to doubt myself.

And then, I realize, there's nothing wrong with re-evaluating and adjusting. But there is something wrong with not doing SOMETHING. As my friend, Nicole, of BananaBlueberry commented yesterday on DC Metro Moms:

DO or NOT DO. There is no TRY. -- Yoda (Thanks, Nicole! You had no idea how much I needed a little Yoda.)

(On that note, I'm compiling a playlist of running songs. Anyone have a Must Have on their list? Never underestimate the power of music that motivates.)

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