We have a long and sordid history with balloons in this house. I've come to the conclusion that there is NO WAY to bring a balloon in here without a WHOLE LOT OF DRAMA or at least some blood drawing, dogpiling smackdowns.
Why is it that the international symbol of childhood makes my kids go certifiably insane?
There's the free balloons at Trader Joes, ONE of which always gets accidentally released in the parking lot. Leaving one kid screaming and at least one taunting "Hahahahaha. I still have MY bawooon and YOU don't." (How many people do you think go BACK into Trader Joes for ANOTHER balloon? Please tell me I'm not the only one.)
If by chance, all balloons make it safely into the car (I can honestly only think of like 3 times that has ever happened), Cheer has some sort of genetic translocation that causes him to OPEN THE WINDOW of the speeding car as we are driving home (down New Hampshire Avenue, for those of you who know what I am talking about), which causes balloons to get SUCKED OUT THE WINDOW. (The most dramatic event is here, which was not a Trader Joes balloon and was not on New Hampshire Avenue, but holy hell, I'm still trying to recover from that episode.)
Then there's the balloons that accidentally get released between the car and the door of the house. Which is a space of about 24 inches.
Or the balloons that make it in the house and are popped, stolen, hidden, sat on, written on and otherwise tortured, which causes great wailing and gnashing of teeth. (And even, the Great Balloon Incident which caused blue permanent marker to be applied to my bathroom ceiling. There's just not enough time to even GO INTO that one.)
So, after all these years, you'd think I'd know better than to go out and get a GIANT HAPPY BIRTHDAY balloon for Tide's birthday the other day. (Seriously, this thing was GIANT. Think MINI Cooper.)
But I was by myself when I bought it so I knew I could get it safely home, and then I firmly tied it to his chair in the dining room so its use a weapon of mass destruction would be severely limited.
So WHAT, pray tell, does Bounce do right AFTER we sing "Happy Birthday" but right BEFORE we dig into the cake?
She reaches over and STICKS HER FORK INTO THE GIANT FIFTEEN DOLLAR AND 99 CENT BALLOON. (Yes. Can you believe I paid $15.99 for a balloon. Neither can I.)
Oh yes she did.
And in years past, Tide would have burst into tears and I would have had to immediately get up and go get ANOTHER balloon which would NEVER be as good as the first balloon and the whole day would have ended in tears and drama.
So you know what happened?
Everyone laughed.
Except Bounce who had to go to her room and miss cake.
And me who couldn't BELIEVE I ONCE AGAIN got suckered into a Norman Rockwell-esque balloon moment with my very un-Norman Rockwell family.
5 comments:
I am completely laughing right now!!
I'm SO happy to know I'm not the only mom who hates balloons!! The amount of drama over those stupid things is enough to make me crazy! We were at a graduation, and my sister texted the graduate to get some of the dropped balloons for the kids. He showed up empty handed, and when she asked where the balloons were- he informed her that I hate balloons and would probably be mad at him for bringing them to the kids.
Yep, that's me- the crazy, balloon-hating mother!
So funny! Yes, balloons are waaaay more trouble than they are worth. The worst is when another kid has a balloon, and your kid sees it. Then you have a toddler yelling "Boon, boon!", and then screaming when she realizes that she can't have it. What is the fascination with those things!
What I hate about balloons is how long they hold a child's interest. Even when the helium has lost it's potency and it drags the floor. When it withers as you touch it. You still CAN'T THROW IT AWAY! I have to wait until my kid is in bed to deflate the suckers and then hide them under 2 feet of garbage in the trash can and then pray she doesn't remember said balloon.
I have a love-hate thing with 'em too. Most recent balloon story is this: My mom's husband got her a dozen for her 70th birthday in November. We went to visit. My kids sequestered themselves in the basement, found scissors, and proceeded to inhale all the helium so they could talk funny. You would think a 70 year old woman would be all, "oh, well, crazy grandkids," but she was really wounded. SO, the minute we got home I ordered and sent her another balloon bouquet. For like $50. And then I had to ask her if she even received them (she did, she just hadn't bothered to call).
Sorry to hijack your comments with my story. I have such rich material and so much of it I can't use because the sources read my blog.
With you 100% on this. I once wrote a whole post on the worst gifts to give other people's children and balloons were the inspiration.
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