bittersweet

Half empty? Half full?

I am vacillating between being grateful and being annoyed. Actually, I AM grateful. And annoyed.

I'm vacillating about which one I should write about. So I'm writing about both.

I am grateful. So VERY grateful for good health. Mine and my kids. We have had our scares and worries. Laundry Dad and his heart. Shout and her heart. But we are 6 very healthy people. I am thankful for that every day.

A few nights ago, I had a dream that involved me needing to get on a plane to Europe. Except I had no one to watch my kids. So my plan was to just abandon them in the airport and figure that somehow, someone would find them and watch them for me until I got back.

Their little faces, watching me walk down the jetway away from them, shook me to the core. I was distressed for days. Why would I have a dream like that? I can only imagine that it was a subconscious fear of not being there for my kids while they are still so little. (Shut up! Even though some of them have bigger shoes than me, they are STILL LITTLE!)

As a mother, I have to say, I have taken safety so much more seriously than I ever did before. (Not that I was a daredevil in my past life.) But I ALWAYS wear my seatbelt, I get my Paps and mammograms (at least until the government tries to tell me I can't), I always cross with the light. I HAVE TO BE HERE. For AT LEAST another 40 years.

But no matter how hard we try, we don't control the universe. Sometimes we are at risk even though we've done everything right.

Like Anissa. She had a stroke the other day at 35. Her SECOND stroke. She's the mom of 3 little kids. One of whom JUST celebrated a year of being cancer free. SHE IS NEEDED. SHE'S ESSENTIAL. She's a cancer mom. She CAN'T be sick. And yet, she is. She's in the ICU and her family and the internets are praying for a sign that it's all going to be ok, but no one knows.

So pray. For you and your kids. And Anissa and hers.

So yes, especially in light of what is happening to Anissa, I am grateful. But I'm also annoyed. Annoyed because things like this shouldn't happen to mothers of little kids. And I'm not sure what to do with that annoyance, but there it is.

I'm also annoyed that Shout has already lost one of her ear tubes. The ones she JUST GOT in the spring. And by "lost," I mean, it's trapped in the waxy swamp of her ear canal. The thought of which REALLY makes me want to try to get it out. (Compulsive picker.) So far, I have refrained. Even the ENT left it there, I guess I should too.

We just finished paying the bills for the first set of tubes and now that our deductible is DOUBLING, the next set will be EVEN! MORE! EXPENSIVE! (And there WILL be another set. That's a given.)

I'm also annoyed that the good news I was hoping to get on the tuition front the other night was not nearly so "newsy" as I had hoped. There was lots of "It's going to be just fine." and "Don't worry." and "It will all work out somehow." And not a lot of "Here's a piece of paper with what you will need to pay next year." Which is kind of what I need.

So the search for a possible new school goes on. As does the application process for financial aid. Which is stupid, because in the spectrum of people who need financial aid, we aren't even NEAR the top of the list. It almost embarrasses me to apply for it because I personally KNOW so many families who are in much greater need.

BUT, when your tuition will rise by two and a half times in one year, and the fact that you actually LISTENED to all those lectures about BIRTH CONTROL in Catholic school and had a BUNCH of kids, who have traditionally been educated at a discounted rate because HOLLA, I WILL HAVE 4 KIDS BETWEEN KINDERGARTEN AND 7TH GRADE, and then a higher authority, such as one that rhymes with the words LARCH-WISHOP, who actually doesn't have ANY CHILDREN, decides that even though we are supposed to pop out as many kids as humanly possible*, dudes, you better have a hella lotta cash if you think you are going to put them all in Catholic school, well then, yes. Hand over the financial aid forms.

So despite the fact that I live in a beleaguered public school system, that PUBLIC SCHOOL RIGHT DOWN THE STREET is looking pretty darn good to me.

(So that's the big secret.)

I'm trying to be a "person of faith" and trusting that it will "all work out," but even if it all works out for this year, how long is that going to last? If my kids are going to end up switching schools, I'd rather just get it over with, you know?

So there you have it. I am grateful, BEYOND MEASURE, that I am alive and conscious and able to be pissed off about these things. I am grateful that my kids are healthy enough to GO to school, whatever school that may be.

I am grateful that I do have insurance, no matter how sucky it may be, because I know what the ACTUAL cost of ear tubes are, and even though we paid a fortune, it was only a fraction of what they actually cost.

In this season of thankfulness, I am thankful. It doesn't mean that sucky things don't happen. But those things help me appreciate the non-sucky even more.

Thanks for celebrating it all with me.

* That is a quote from one of my college theology professors (a Catholic brother, by the way)... I know it's not what the Catholic church ACTUALLY teaches. This post is already too long or I would explain the context of his very funny comments. But let's just leave it at, I have a big family because Laundry Dad and I grew up in big families and we grew up in big families because we were Catholic. I do understand the basics of the female fertility. And I personally, don't have a problem with birth control. I also think God wants me to be able to feed the kids I have. Even if He's a little more iffy on whether or not they attend Catholic school. Just so we're clear. ;-)

AND P.S. Tomorrow, I'm changing things up entirely and doing a GIVEAWAY! Check back.