things I have learned in the past week

If you are feeling like you are coming down with some major illness and your husband is heading out the door with a fully-packed suitcase, GRAB ON TO HIS LEG AND DO NOT LET HIM LEAVE.

Childhood vaccines do wear off.

Other things have all the same symptoms as the flu.

For example... MEASLES.

Except? The symptoms can be a million times more intense than the flu.

Body aches? Try ribbons of shredded glass running through your bones.

Chills? Fever? Try rapid cycling between teeth-loosening chatters and sweat drenching through your clothes every 15 minutes. (Then try not doing any laundry for a week and having to wear some of those clothes again. Ew.)

You can spend a lot of time wearing a medical mask and dousing your hands in antibacterial gel to practice good infection control techniques. But your kids will not catch MEASLES from you, because their vaccinations are, you know, STILL WORKING.

You can get dehydrated, even when you are drinking your body weight in water. (see above re sweating)

You can lose 5 pounds in 3 days if you eat absolutely nothing. And sweat. A lot.

Your intestines will not like you if you eat absolutely nothing for 3 days.

They also will not like it when you decide to eat again. Even if it is only crackers.

Intestines are just never happy.

Lamaze breathing did nothing during labor. It also does nothing during the sleepless nights of painful, nausea-filled illness, but you will do it anyway.

You do not want to leave your life in the hands of a bunch of kids under 12. They are good for fetching a bottle of water or two, but they will be so busy trashing the house and videotaping each others butts that they will not care if you are hovering just on this side of the Great Crossing Over Point. (melodrama)

Four frozen sticks of butter turns into a very large spreading pool of melted butter when microwaved, which can quickly cover most surfaces in a kitchen.

Chocolate chip cookies made without nearly enough butter do not look or taste right.

You MUST learn to accept help when offered. Otherwise, your kids might starve. Or you will pass out. There are no awards for valor. Lay your ass on the couch and let someone else drive the preschool carpool.

There is something to be said for polygamy. Actually, you will see a strong, strong case for it. What do you need when your husband is out of town and you are sicker than you have ever been before? A coupla wives to take care of you, your kids and keep the house clean. It makes perfect sense. (And I'm even fever-free now.) It would get crowded in your little house, so you'd need to spread out somewhere... like a ranch... you see how you get there? It's really not that far of a leap at all, is it?

When you finally give up and decide to call your mom to come and get you and take you somewhere, ANYWHERE in the presence of a medical professional, she will be taking a nap and will not answer the phone.

A four-year old can kick your shin so hard, a huge varicose vein can appear. You will worry for hours that this is a blood clot which is actually what will kill you instead of the flu measles, but it will not.

There is no word to describe the state of a house after a week of having 4 (sometimes 5) kids have free reign.

Measles can turn into pneumonia.

When your doctor writes you prescriptions for cough medicine with codeine and antibiotics, TAKE THE PAPER OPTION and don't ask for the electronic submission to the pharmacy. (Ok, I learned that one a couple weeks ago.)

Codeine is some good shit. You may be seen on Intervention soon.

You can strip away coffee, wine, tequila and the will to access the internet - all things you may think are your very definition, and yet, you will continue to exist.

There is nothing better than finally having enough energy to spend most of the day upright.

Your husband totally owes you a spa weekend.