Add this to the thing that no one tells you about having kids. The baby blues can last forever. Or, at least, a whole lot longer than I thought.
Pre-kids, I was always a pretty mood-stable person. Not over-the-top high-on-life happy, but, you know, the regular happy. I've had my struggles with anxiety (panic-attacks), but not moods.
And let me just say here, I don't really feel like what I'm talking about is DEPRESSION. Maybe it is and that word just intimidates me. It seems too chronic for what I mean.
Anxiety seems more medical... adrenaline based. Heart racing, sweating. While it starts in my overactive imagination, it's a very physical, chemical reaction.
This other thing, let's just call it blue, feels more like an inability to cope. Like a choice. Like I am being ungrateful.
(For the record, I'm talking about myself. I have friends and family members who suffer from depression and I know it is medical. I know it is not a lack of being grateful. For whatever reason, I don't allow myself the same consideration.)
I am healthy. I have four beautiful, healthy children. I am able to stay at home with them. My husband has a good job and we live in a nice house. How could I possibly feel less than happy all the time?
(And I AM happy most of the time.)
But here it is.
There are days when I am on the verge of tears all day long. Where I feel like I want to silently sneak out of my life. Where I am overwhelmed from frustration, boredom or feeling taken for granted. I piss even myself off with these moods. But they come and I can't make them stay away.
It reminds me very much of the baby blues, when your hormones are dipping and surging crazily and the lack of sleep and constant neediness of a newborn can easily send you over the edge. Even if just for a day.
Someone once described it like being in water. And the water gets deeper and deeper and it's ok. And then, with just a tiny bit more water, you are in over your head, and suddenly, it's very not ok. It wasn't just that last little bit of water that caused the problem, that's just where you got in over your head.
One of the things that brings me to my tipping point is when my house gets so messy, it reaches that state where it could be condemned. You would be surprised at how quickly it can get there.
I'm not a neat freak. I just like toys off the floor and clothes put away. We have clutter. We have dust. That's not what sends me over the edge. It's the days where I feel like all. I. do. is move from one room to the next, washing, folding, picking up, putting away, and I NEVER get to the end of the mess. Because in fact, WHILE I am cleaning, the kids are messing up another room. And finally, I look up and realize it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon and we've done nothing all day, except I've cleaned up a bunch of rooms that are still so messy they make my chest hurt.
And yes, my kids should be helping clean up. And sometimes they do. And sometimes they don't. And then there are days where it's another full-time job just to stay on top of them and get them to stop messing up and start cleaning up. And we all end up in tears. And that's not how I want them to remember life in our house. And that's not how *I* want to remember life in our house. But I can't find a solution that works.
So I end up feeling like a maid. And I REALLY resent it. I get not so much angry as sad, and I don't want to be in my house. But I also don't want to go out and come home to that mess. I straighten up my bedroom, and I hide in there as much as possible. And they keep playing and pulling out toys and it just gets worse and worse, until really, it makes me literally hyperventilate and I don't even know where to begin to start getting it cleaned up.
The other thing that brings me to my tipping point is lack of time to myself. This is mostly a problem in the summer, when the kids and I are together 24/7. As much as I love being around my kids, and as grateful as I am that I am home and we have our lazy summers together (and I AM grateful for that, I really am), I also need to do something every now and then that is about ME as a person, and not about ME as a mother. Whether it is a girls night out, or a blogging gathering, or even a shopping trip by myself, I NEED THAT TIME. Regularly. Not just 2 or 3 times a year. And while going to the grocery store by myself may seem like a luxury, That. Does. Not. Count.
I don't have a job, although a part of me desperately wants one. I'm not taking any classes, although I would really like to. I don't shop for myself. I don't go to movies. Most of my friends have lots of little kids too and coordinating two or more schedules to have a night out feels harder than moving a mountain.
I should arrange some sort of playdate trade-off. Or hire a babysitter one day a week. I know. I have it in my head that I have to be able to do this on my own. That I should be completely fulfilled and happy spending the day surrounded by my loving offspring.
I can't admit to myself out loud that it's not always completely fulfilling. And that many days, they are not so loving. They fight with each other, they ignore my directions and they seem to love (especially the older ones) subtly pointing out all the ways I actually suck at this job. They're bored. My cooking is disgusting. Their favorite clothes aren't clean. (Even though they just wore them yesterday.) They don't have cell phones. I won't take them out and spend wads of cash entertaining them every day. (Or the latest, "This is the worse summer EVER." Sigh.)
School is starting in just over a week, and while I'm not looking forward to getting up early, packing lunches, washing uniforms, and homework, I *am* looking forward to a little time to myself. It's not enough time to get a job or take a class, but at least it is enough time to clean up a room or two without having someone coming and messing it up behind me.
I'm not usually very tolerant of people who know what their problems are, but take no steps to solve them. So I can only allow myself to wallow in my discontent for a day or so.
We have one more week of summer. And we are going to have so much damn fun, my kids' heads are going spin. The mess may have to stay there. I may have to take xanax just to walk through my house. But 9 days from now, when school starts, I will clean, I will declutter, and I will make sure I give myself a break.
When the black cloud is hanging over my head, it's easy to see that I need to take action to preserve my sanity. When it blows away, I tend to forget that there are things I have to do to try to keep it away for good. I forget that I need to make allowances for the things that make me crazy.
We all have them. I know what mine are. I need to make peace with them and allow myself to try to fix them.
12 comments:
So much of this I 'get'. ((hugs)) while you are in the midst. When you have a minute, get down on paper a couple of things you want to do for yourself when the kids are in school and be sure to do them - even if they are something small like sitting in Starbucks with a magazine/newspaper rather than hitting the drive-thru. We could have a chat and even sit down while we talk!! Write that list and stick it where you'll be reminded of it often.
I am at this very point myself. I HAVE had issues with depression, anxiety attacks, and just plain 'ol crazy so for me it's almost 'here we go again'. But it gets bad. My tipping points are when life gets me. Not the kids. The other day my 9 month old screamed for 10 hours straight-no lie. On top of that my toddler was a holy terror. But what made me crazy? Having to call creditors, handle bills, flip the playroom and office to set up the studio, deal with the dog, and deal with my husband who's having a bad day too.
It happens to all of us. I haven't quite found the magic pill to fix it. All I know is I have a bachellorette party to attend on the 29th and I am dreaming of that time away from my darlings.
Thanks for this post. What you've written is me on many days--and I only have 2!!
Hugs to you. I know of what you speak. It can just be so hard. Let yourself be sad and don't judge yourself about it. It's okay to feel that way. Getting time for yourself is so important. I need that too. Hang in there. One more week. And don't work too hard the first week they're back in school. Give yourself a break to relax and decompress. And more hugs to you.
I read two blogs regularly - yours and Stimey's. I have no connection to either one of you except that I probably found one of you through the other. Anyway...what a blessing you both are to me. I don't live anywhere near you and I don't blog, but I like to read about what you're doing and how you're handling things and know that I'm not alone. If you ever doubt yourself (like all of us moms do), know that you're having a positive impact on lots and lots of people who you don't even know (as well as your own children who are so lucky to have you for a mom!). There is something very comforting about sharing the struggles with others. Tomorrow WILL be better!
I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I went through very similar feelings about a week before mine went back. Having a little breathing time will be a tremendous help.
I hope you can find the answers you seek, and that the "blues" will pass sooner rather than later.
(hugs to you)
It's ok to feel this way every now and then. I would even venture to say that it's "normal." We can't be happy all the time - unless we are one of those creepy Stepford wives. You need to hang in there. The kids will go back to school and things will go back to your regular schedules soon. Soon you'll be able to spend an hour or 2 at Starbucks or shopping or even getting a pedicure (I know - fat chance). I personally dread the summer. I'm not home with my kids like you are, but I dread all the different camps, the changes in schedules, the transitions. Just when I get used to a routine - it changes. We have 2 more weeks till school starts and I haven't done a thing yet - no shopping for clothes or school supplies - nothing. It'll get done at some point. Make the most of your last week. Do what you want to do - the mess in the house will always be there for you to clean up another day. It doesn't have to be "the best summer ever." Just get out there and enjoy spending time with your kids. They're so lucky to have you - even if they don't know it.
After school starts, let's meet for coffee--seriously! I've been wanting to call you up (er, e-mail you!) and schedule something like that for a while.
Also, here's a thought...could you find a mother's helper? Before I was a full-fledged babysitter, there was a mom with 4 kids who would pay me (probably only like $2an hour-haha!!!) to come and play with the kids while she was home and did stuff around the house. I'd keep them outside or in the playroom while she did whatever.
All I can say/add is I'm right there with ya. Not the best advice, but tie the knot and hang on. I live with the belief that is can only get better from here.
Hugs, Carol
I know exactly how you feel and a messy house is ALWAYS the "little more" that sends me over the edge. I don't have any solutions that I'd give as advice because they're not perfect, but I do lock my kids outside sometimes. Well not the baby, but the other two. =) Oh and I do send food and water out there every so often. I really do think that purging stuff is like therapy for me too. Oh and I go out the first Thurs. of every month, no matter what!
Those "black clouds" suck. I hate them. I, too, know of what you speak to some degree. It's a horrible feeling. No advice, just some validation.
I can completely relate to the depression of feeling like a maid, and the redundancy of the day after day samesamesame. Getting out without the kids IS hard, and the guilt that comes from wanting to get away can be big, too. Plus, really, it doesn't have to be hard to go out without the kids, but I think so many of us get sucked under the water when we have kids that a kind of inertia settles on us that is way harder to deal with than a schedule. When your kids are a little older, it will be easier, there will be spaces, and you will be able to breathe. It's hard to wait.
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Go ahead. I can take it.