Thursday, November 14, 2013
Well, we seem to ping from one crisis to another around here.
Shout is doing well. Back and in school and happy. She's almost back to where she was emotionally, with a few rough edges that still need to be smoothed out. I need a long-term plan, but we've got the short-term under control.
Now one of the other kids is struggling. And again, I feel panicked, helpless, sad... It's so hard to know what is a four-alarm fire and what just needs time (and copious amounts of prayer) to work itself out. There was a great post on Flower Patch Farmgirl yesterday. (I am a Farmgirl Fangirl.) She says, "I want to micro-manage him forever, because it feels much safer and I think I might be more effective than God. (Keeping it real, God.)"
Yes! When do I just step back and trust it will work out?
And when do I stop living in what feels like a crisis? I keep waiting for the calm after the storm (there were those 3 days last week...), but another storm is always on the horizon. Maybe that IS life. Maybe it's all storm and I should just stop waiting for the calm. I'm not sure I have the spine for that.
So I went out and got myself a new job. I was all excited about it last week, and I still am, but it's tempered somewhat this week by the fear that the timing may not be quite right. We'll see. I don't want to say too much about it yet other than it's a place I've always wanted to work, it's close to home, it's a not-for-profit that does good things for the earth, and I can wear jeans. (It's the little things.)
My old job had changed quite a bit from when I first started and I was ready for something new. Especially something that gets me out of the house, because, guess what? I've been staring at these walls for 13 years. I would actually love to have another place to hang my hat for part of the day. Also, I need a more predictable paycheck. Because, guess what else? Mental health? It's for the wealthy, apparently.
I'm praying that our crazy can keep itself contained for 5 hours a day.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Things are much improved here.
I'm not sure exactly what it was - OT, therapy, the month long break from school, many hours of talk and snuggles and a liberal application of chocolate chips... but we're clicking back into a rhythm. A rhythm that includes school. For everyone. (The chorus of angels... can you hear it?)
We still have some mysteries to resolve (like What the Hell Happened? and How the Hell Do We Keep This from Happening Again?), but we're well on our way to the crazy we call normal around here.
Or she's on her way.
*I* have post-traumatic stress disorder.
The therapy bills are piling up, the driving and scheduling and coordinating has done me in.
She's still very nervous when I'm not home. She won't go to bed if I'm not here. So checking myself into a Hampton Inn for the weekend just isn't going to happen. (Hell, I'm even willing to get my appendix or gall bladder or something taken out just to get a night or two off, but as of now, I'd have to share my hospital bed with an 8-year old. So no.)
So I went out and did something else for myself...
Monday, October 21, 2013
Thank you all for your kind comments, emails, tweets, messages, etc. I truly appreciate the support. Sometimes when you need it the most, it's hard to ask for it.
I keep praying for that one magic answer - the vitamin deficiency that's cured by a gummy bear shaped chewable from Trader Joes, or the breathing exercise that melts away anxiety instantly, or the educational accomodation that sudddenly makes school seem like a happy place again. But I'm not finding it.
What I am finding though is parents who have been startlingly honest with me about their own kids' struggles. Sometimes completely unprompted.
I was at a party last night and saw a friend I haven't seen in a long time. The very first thing she said after "Hi," was to tell me about the hard, hard struggles with mental illness one of her kids is having. The very first thing I said, after she dropped what might have been a conversational bomb on anyone else was, "Thank you. Thank you for telling me this. And I'm so sorry. And please tell me more."
No one tells you this. There is no chapter in What to Expect When You're Expecting about what to do when your kid has a nervous breakdown. Besides how sad and scared you feel, you think you are the only one. And that it's all your fault. You really screwed up parenting. You passed on defective brain chemistry. It was all that non-organic produce you bought.
But it happens. It happens a lot. To people you know. To kids you know. Everyone has their struggles.
I keep praying that peace and healing will come to my kid. And maybe it is. But it's not happening as quickly as I would like. But everytime I hear from another parent who has walked this road (or a similar one), it gives me hope.